My Little Fashion Critic: The Head and Face Edition

I’ve been working on a photobook the last couple nights, and I’ve run into some “colourful” photos of the munchkin expressing his opinions on my outfit choices…specifically when it comes to head and face wear!

Case 1: The Party Hat
But I thought kids liked Elmo! I guess if it’s not his birthday, he’s not playing along.Party Hat

Case 2: The Sunglasses
He does not wear his sunglasses at night, Corey Hart. Or during the day. Or EVER.Sunglasses

Case 3: The Winnie the Pooh Hat

I’m not sure if he’s pouting because he thinks Winnie the Pooh is lame, or because one ear wouldn’t stay up.Pooh, Winnie the

Case 4: The Rudolph Nose
He’s like my cat: he thinks if he leans back far enough, he can pull his nose out of the Rudolph nose.Santa Nose

Disclaimer: The munchkin was not physically damaged in the taking of any of these photos. I can’t promise that he wasn’t emotionally damaged, however…but hey, gotta keep those therapists in business!

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On top of spaghetti, all covered in cheeeeeeese…

Don’t you just love it when you’re changing a diaper at 3 am and the little meatball poop falls out of the diaper while you’re disposing of it and rolls away? Of course you then have three options:

a) Feel around for it in the soft glow of the night light until you find/squish it;

b) Turn the overhead light on, which means you’ve now doubled the length of time it will take the little one to fall back asleep; or

c) Leave it, wherever it may be, until morning.

(It’s like an excerpt from the worst “Choose Your Own Adventure” book EVER.)

Have Baby Will Travel

BabyMy husband and I love to travel. Since university, we’ve travelled at least once a year, be it flying out to Europe or driving out west along the Trans Canada. So when we found a last minute deal on a cruise to the Bahamas, we said “Hells yeah” and packed our luggage like it was the end of days. (Side-note: Isn’t it awesome that it’s 2013 and we’re all still alive? Take that, Mayans!)

We boarded the ship with smiles and optimism. We had nailed the flight to Orlando (munchkin slept most of the way *insert choir of angels singing here*). I had this vision of what our trip would be like: he would eat wherever, nap in his stroller, and we would spend hardly any time in the room. Oh, and of course I would magically lose my mummy tummy the moment I slipped my bikini on.

Alas, reality was waiting for us in our tiny tiny stateroom. Munchkin hated the nursing cover (well, it’s more like he loved to rip it off), he refused to nap anywhere (which meant he was more than a little loco by day 3), and nothing could stop me from obsessing over whether he had enough sunblock on (as it is, all three of us are as pasty white as the day we left).

One day in, we had to wonder if we were total dumbasses for vacationing with our little man. We were tired. He was cranky. It took us forever to get ready every time we left the room.
baby meets ocean

Then, on day 2, something amazing happened: we got to dip his little feet into the ocean. He felt sand. We watched him laugh and bounce during the evening show. We beamed at each person who fawned over him.
Beach Baby

I realized that like anything else post-baby, the trip was not going to be the same as previous ones, but that’s not to say it wasn’t going to be enjoyable. Experiences like drinking until 2 am and tanning on the deck sipping Mai Tais were simply traded in for new experiences like watching the munchkin’s first sunset or laughing at his strange reaction to sand beneath his feet.
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We had an amazing (and very very exhausting) time, and I would do it again in a heartbeat!

I Heart Pinterest

Oh Pinterest, you’re always there for me during those 5 am feedings. And after seeing several baby-with-christmas-lights photos, I enlisted my awesome soon-to-be sister-in-law to recreate them. (Phew, could there BE any more hyphens? Anyway…)

And they look awesome. Even better than many of the ones out there, I might dare say (not that I’m biased). Take a look, and pin it if you like it!

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I Swear, I Used to Have Standards: The Food and Drink Edition

As I sit here, eating a leftover Baby Mum-Mum and drinking warm, flat pop, I can’t help but think: man, I really used to have standards.

First of all, I now buy everything at Walmart, because nothing sucks worse than having to get your kid into and out of the car seat/stroller a zillion times to buy all your groceries/ toiletries/ Christmas gifts…except maybe Walmart produce…

I’ve been a Starbucks junkie since corduroy pants were cool, but there’s no drive-thru location nearby and it can be a pain in the arse to drag the munchkin in. Now, I will drive twice as far to the Tim Hortons (eh?) or McDonalds drive thru just to avoid doing so. And speaking of coffee, everything I order past noon has to be decaf, otherwise I’m dealing with a crazy, jacked-up baby until midnight. Have you tasted a decaf latte? It’s like giving a Canadian a bottle of Bud.

Oh, and don’t forget, you either chug your coffee down while it’s burning hot because you know any second he’s gonna have a meltdown, or he’s already freaking out and your drink is cold by the time you settle him down.

Same goes for food. I used to be able taste food. Now I just shove it down when he lets me, which is usually half an hour after its been served. Nothing says delicious like congealed gravy on cold turkey. Awesome.

If he wasn’t a baby, I would say he’s kind of a jerk…

Don’t you just love it when you’re trying to feed your baby and he:

a) grabs parts of your face and squeezes as hard as he can;

b) gives you a wet willy;

c) rips your glasses off your face and hits you with them. Repeatedly. While laughing.

I apologize to future schoolmates for somehow creating the playground bully.

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Stranger Danger! 8 Bizarre Comments and Parenting Gems from Total Strangers

I’ve never really been one to chat with strangers, but I lost any choice in the matter as soon as I had the munchkin. Apparently, if you have a baby with you when you’re out and about, you may as well be carrying a sign that says “Advice Wanted” or “Tell Me How I’m Doing”.

And so, I present 8 bizarre comments and parenting gems from total strangers:

Don’t put sunglasses on your child, the darkness is bad for his eyes.
Apparently UV rays and glaring brightness are good for his eyes.

He really should be wearing shoes.

Yes. My 3 month old would be running all over the place if only I had remembered to put on his shoes.

Isn’t he going to be cold?

No matter what we dress our child in, apparently it is never enough for our “frigid Canadian winters”. Maybe if he was wearing two snowsuits and a parka…

Isn’t he going to be hot?
Sigh…

Dip his pacifier in rum, that will ease his teething pain.

This one is usually met with the awkward laugh and nod combination. Yeah. I’m going to give him rum.

She’s a cutie – what’s her name?
A woman asked this while I was out with my son. On the one hand he was only a few weeks old, so it’s hard to tell gender just by looking. On the other hand, he was wearing this:

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Boys Rule!

Ahhhhhhhh!
An old woman actually shrieked and scurried away onto the grass in terror once as the munchkin and I passed her on the sidewalk.  Of course she assumed we were going to run her down with the stroller, but that’s just crazy.  Old people are hardly worth any points.

I think he’s hungry.
Thank you random stranger for being so attuned to my baby’s needs. Should I whip out my boob while we’re waiting in line to pay for our groceries? Or show you the bottle he just finished?

What stranger stupidity have you been subjected to? Post your stories below so we can all laugh and roll our eyes at them!

Maybe I can buy a potty that looks like an ExerSaucer…

Don’t you just love it when you’re halfway through changing a diaper when your little one remembers that he has feet and they are DELICIOUS!

om nom nom

om nom nom

Makes it a tad challenging to complete the task at hand. (Enjoy it while you can, kiddo – mommy can barely touch her toes.)

Speaking of diapers (and, by proxy, poop): My son has recently developed a fondness for pooping while in his exersaucer. He is in for a rude awakening when he learns that you don’t poop while standing in the real world.

Can you give me a sec, mom?

Can you give me a sec, mom?

Oh dear god, what have I done?!?

Childbirth:  many new moms will regale you with glorious tales of the first moment they laid eyes upon their new baby.  Some will tell you they instanly fell in love with the wriggling babe placed upon their breast.  Others will tell you they felt a great sense of connection to the sisterhood of women through the shared experience of childbirth.  As such, this is what I expected in those first moments as I stared into my little one’s eyes and he stared back into mine.  Instead, the first thought that entered my mind was:

Oh dear god, what have I done?

Once I recovered from the initial shock of having literally pushed a tiny human out of my body while my husband looked on, I was overcome by the terrifying notion that I had no clue what to do next.  Before I became pregnant, I was petrified of babies (and they were none too fond of me either).  I had changed one diaper in my life (in high school…and I wore rubber gloves…I wish I was joking…).  Somewhere in those nine months, all those crazy hormones made me forget that I was a totally newbie and made me believe in the power of instinct.  But at that moment, as we stared at each other for the first time, I felt like a stage actress who didn’t know her lines.

Maybe instinct does kick in for some women.  Maybe some fall instantly in love.  However, I do not believe that I am alone; and while I can now nurse like a pro (while eating, texting, and watching tv) and change a dirty poopy diaper in under a minute, I am still learning and evolving as I go.  And so, I invite you to join me as I take on this whole “mom” thing.

Make sure you bring extra baby wipes.