Okay fine, scheduling is good. Jeez.

Uh...can I get you some lunch or something?

Uh…can I get you some lunch or something?

I hate being wrong.

Admitting I’m wrong is even worse.

I spent months insisting that having Munchkin on a schedule would be too limiting for me and wouldn’t work for him and yadda yadda yadda.  And to be fair, a few months ago it may not have worked out well.  But as I started incorporating solids into his diet and we started to fall into a breakfast/lunch/dinner routine, suddenly everything started to fall into a routine.

And it. is. AWESOME.

Suddenly, I can actually interpret some of his crying: if it’s 10 am, he wants breakfast; 2 pm, he wants to nap.  It’s the next best thing to inventing a baby translator (a la Simpsons, love it).

So now I feel bad for all the other mom’s I encouraged to join in on my poo-pooing of the Schedulers.  I feel like I need to send a mass email telling them all, “Wait.  Stop the presses.  I was wrong.”  Maybe I should cc all the Schedulers that I smiled and nodded to (before poo-pooing their methods behind their backs).  I should probably print off the email and give it to my mother while I’m at it (afterall, she can’t log into a computer successfully, let alone open up a browser and navigate to her hotmail).

(But, in lieu of all that work, I’ll probably just quietly pretend I was really in favour of scheduling all along…I’m never wrong…)

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“Seriously?!?” 5 baby moments that make you wish you never got out of bed that day.

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Being a mom opens the door to some beautiful, joyous moments.

These are NOT those moments.

1. You’re out with your baby and he has a major diaper blowout. You thank god you packed an extra set of clothes…until you realize that you didn’t pack any diapers…

2. You make a playdate weeks in advance, and your little one wakes up that morning crusted with snot and sneezing all over you.

3. You take your little one’s bib off so everyone can see his cute outfit…only for him to choose that moment to barf all over himself.

4. Diaper change time! You wrestle him out of his wet diaper, slap a clean one on, do up all his onesie snaps, and play “catch the flailing baby legs” so you can get his pants back on. And right about then you notice some grunting and a faint poop odour coming from the little rascal…

5. Your little guy is *finally* asleep for his nap. You wash a couple dishes, take out the garbage, then tip toe past his room for your nap. And the second your head touches the pillow? Your baby is screaming like the illegitimate love child of a banshee and a fire alarm.

Post your “seriously?!?” moments below!

On top of spaghetti, all covered in cheeeeeeese…

Don’t you just love it when you’re changing a diaper at 3 am and the little meatball poop falls out of the diaper while you’re disposing of it and rolls away? Of course you then have three options:

a) Feel around for it in the soft glow of the night light until you find/squish it;

b) Turn the overhead light on, which means you’ve now doubled the length of time it will take the little one to fall back asleep; or

c) Leave it, wherever it may be, until morning.

(It’s like an excerpt from the worst “Choose Your Own Adventure” book EVER.)

Stranger Danger! 8 Bizarre Comments and Parenting Gems from Total Strangers

I’ve never really been one to chat with strangers, but I lost any choice in the matter as soon as I had the munchkin. Apparently, if you have a baby with you when you’re out and about, you may as well be carrying a sign that says “Advice Wanted” or “Tell Me How I’m Doing”.

And so, I present 8 bizarre comments and parenting gems from total strangers:

Don’t put sunglasses on your child, the darkness is bad for his eyes.
Apparently UV rays and glaring brightness are good for his eyes.

He really should be wearing shoes.

Yes. My 3 month old would be running all over the place if only I had remembered to put on his shoes.

Isn’t he going to be cold?

No matter what we dress our child in, apparently it is never enough for our “frigid Canadian winters”. Maybe if he was wearing two snowsuits and a parka…

Isn’t he going to be hot?
Sigh…

Dip his pacifier in rum, that will ease his teething pain.

This one is usually met with the awkward laugh and nod combination. Yeah. I’m going to give him rum.

She’s a cutie – what’s her name?
A woman asked this while I was out with my son. On the one hand he was only a few weeks old, so it’s hard to tell gender just by looking. On the other hand, he was wearing this:

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Boys Rule!

Ahhhhhhhh!
An old woman actually shrieked and scurried away onto the grass in terror once as the munchkin and I passed her on the sidewalk.  Of course she assumed we were going to run her down with the stroller, but that’s just crazy.  Old people are hardly worth any points.

I think he’s hungry.
Thank you random stranger for being so attuned to my baby’s needs. Should I whip out my boob while we’re waiting in line to pay for our groceries? Or show you the bottle he just finished?

What stranger stupidity have you been subjected to? Post your stories below so we can all laugh and roll our eyes at them!

Maybe I can buy a potty that looks like an ExerSaucer…

Don’t you just love it when you’re halfway through changing a diaper when your little one remembers that he has feet and they are DELICIOUS!

om nom nom

om nom nom

Makes it a tad challenging to complete the task at hand. (Enjoy it while you can, kiddo – mommy can barely touch her toes.)

Speaking of diapers (and, by proxy, poop): My son has recently developed a fondness for pooping while in his exersaucer. He is in for a rude awakening when he learns that you don’t poop while standing in the real world.

Can you give me a sec, mom?

Can you give me a sec, mom?

OCG: A Mom Disorder for the 21st Century

It started one evening with some eye discharge and a slight fever. By morning, his eye was so swollen he could barely open it. And so, after much deliberation with myself, I made the call to his pediatrician and brought my little cyclops in.

It is an issue that I have spent much (too much) time stressing over: When is it “legit” to call your pediatrician?

I always swore I would not be the mom who frantically calls her pediatrician ten times a day at the first sign of sniffles. And while I thought I had succeeded in avoiding this stereotype, I realized I had merely modernized it. I am a mom with a wicked case of OCG: obsessive compulsive Googling.

I have been afflicted with OCG since early in university, when I realized the wealth of quasi-accurate facts and diverse opinion that was at my fingertips. It started innocent enough – a quick check to see the name of so-and-so who played what’s his face in that movie. It grew into a need to check facts and disprove people in arguments. But during pregnancy, I found I was constantly checking to see if what I was experiencing was “normal”. And when the munchkin was born, I began checking to see if everything he was experiencing was normal. Unfortunately, this habit spawned a minor case of hypochondria along the way. I Googled when I thought his legs were too curved. I Googled when i thought he spat up too much. I Googled every time his poop colour and consistency changed (my pre-baby self never dreamed that I would ever study and ponder my child’s poop). I am the crazy pediatrician-calling mom of the 21st century.

So in the end, the doctor checked out little E and diagnosed him with a “minor viral infection” (the next day, when he woke up crusted in his own snot I realized “minor viral infection” was doctor code for “nasty cold”). And while I felt stupid and cliche the next day for bringing my baby in for a cold, there was a certain peace of mind I got out of it that no amount of Googling can ever really replace.

Oh dear god, what have I done?!?

Childbirth:  many new moms will regale you with glorious tales of the first moment they laid eyes upon their new baby.  Some will tell you they instanly fell in love with the wriggling babe placed upon their breast.  Others will tell you they felt a great sense of connection to the sisterhood of women through the shared experience of childbirth.  As such, this is what I expected in those first moments as I stared into my little one’s eyes and he stared back into mine.  Instead, the first thought that entered my mind was:

Oh dear god, what have I done?

Once I recovered from the initial shock of having literally pushed a tiny human out of my body while my husband looked on, I was overcome by the terrifying notion that I had no clue what to do next.  Before I became pregnant, I was petrified of babies (and they were none too fond of me either).  I had changed one diaper in my life (in high school…and I wore rubber gloves…I wish I was joking…).  Somewhere in those nine months, all those crazy hormones made me forget that I was a totally newbie and made me believe in the power of instinct.  But at that moment, as we stared at each other for the first time, I felt like a stage actress who didn’t know her lines.

Maybe instinct does kick in for some women.  Maybe some fall instantly in love.  However, I do not believe that I am alone; and while I can now nurse like a pro (while eating, texting, and watching tv) and change a dirty poopy diaper in under a minute, I am still learning and evolving as I go.  And so, I invite you to join me as I take on this whole “mom” thing.

Make sure you bring extra baby wipes.